Thursday, April 22, 2010

Chain Cow in Kentucky

Not long ago, my friend Cyndi said, "I've got someone you should meet. She's sweet, pretty, doesn't take up much space, and she's on a Grand Adventure." I'm a sucker for a Grand Adventure, so I said, "Sure. She can come stay awhile."

I expected someone petite, demure, perhaps with a soft Irish brogue, since she'd come by way of Susan in Ireland. Or even a Southern drawl, picked up during her time with Crystal in Alabama.

But no--Chain Cow was sullen, dirty and pouty. She had good reason, it turns out: She had a torn rotator cuff.

How, you might ask, does a cow tear her rotator cuff? I suspect it has to do with shenanigans she got up to with a bunch of soldiers in Texas. Julie Weathers would have you believe it was all wholesome, harmless fun, full of children and balloons and what-not.

But I have my doubts.

Chain Cow in surgery.

Now, I'm not without pity, so I suggested Chain Cow soak in the hot tub for awhile. She took to that like a cow in a hot tub.

As soon as I turned my back, though, she got into my favorite Kentucky bourbon, Woodford Reserve. (Did you know Kentucky is the only state in the union allowed to call its whiskey "Bourbon"? It's true. Look it up!) Since I use the Woodford Reserve for medicinal purposes, however, I decided fair was fair.

But then it got ugly. She got maudlin, crying about some bull she met on Valentine's Day, and how there'd never be another one like him. Telling me she'd never felt "so free, so full of possibility" as she did under the snowy skies of Montana at Kari's place, or in the vast vistas at Carol's in Wyoming, where there were other cattle just like her, only smellier.

There was only one thing to do. I cut her off.

But it was too late. She got all loopy on me, tried to pull some Cirque du Soleil tricks. I'm worried about that rotator cuff.

Next week, she's coming to the Romantic Times Convention with me. We're going to meet some of my favorite authors and do a little pitching ourselves. I hope she doesn't embarrass me. This is a professional event full of serious writers working on perfecting our craft and focused readers wanting to connect with their favorite authors.

We'll have no time for shenanigans.


  1. Aw. You went and washed her. After I attached all that special souvenir Montana hay. (And yes, I did just have to look up how to spell souvenir. And it still looks wrong.)

  2. *GASP* that's horrible!! Poor cow! I shall buy the poor dear a drink at RT.

  3. LOL Kari, I wish the hay had made it here! I have the same problem with "camouflage."

  4. Netti,
    She has been traumatized. Maybe just a little drink.

  5. When cows drink too much bourbon, they like to climb into the cow-a-pult and shoot for Wisconsin.

    And now you know how whiskey cheese is made.

  6. The hay didn't make it past Alabama. Sorry, it's my Montana obsession, I cannot be blamed.

  7. I understand, Crystal. Just the name, "Montana" has me humming "Don't Fence Me In."

  8. We'll have to go visit my daughter in Sept. or Oct. and go to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party together. Jessica and I do that a lot and we like to either dress up or bring dolls in costume. A cow would be great because your Cowie could hang out with the all the cows grazing two feet from her patio window. Drives her dog INSANE but we think it's cute.

    As to RT, if I don't forget in all the confusion, I'm planning to bring Muses #1 and #2 - Hugo Montmorency the Dutch rabbit and my new muse (who isn't earning her keep yet), Martha the English sheep dog.

    I'll have to lock them safely away from your sozzled cow, though. They are babes in the wood compared to your brazen buddy!

  9. If I remember correctly, we're all rooming together, Becke . . . MWUAHAHAHAHA!

  10. I'll have to guard my innocent puppets from the slutty cow!

  11. She's no slut. She's a one bull-cow (you have to get over to and look in the March entries to see her one true love . . . for now.)

  12. BRAWAHAHA Chain cow looks like she's having a great time. I hate that I accidentally deleted my post of her visit to me in Florida. Can't wait to see her at RT!

  13. omgosh - lmaooooooooooooo - what will happen when Bunny meets Cow???

  14. Cyndi,
    It will be a family reunion!
    I fear Bunny. Becke worries about Chain Cow's influence on her puppets, but Bunny is big league! Chain Cow might never be the same . . .

  15. This was hilarious. I'm so glad she's enjoying herself. Yes, she does like chocolate and she loves to drink. Whoda thought that? I'd lock the bourbon up.

    She found the Butter Schnapps and was mixing up some drinks called buttery teats. No idea what that was.

    Yes, Chain Cow had a lot of adventures in Texas, but she did leave rather dirty. I blame it on all this dust, but she wasn't pristine when she arrived. I think she just enjoys being a cow.

    Can't wait to see her adventures at RT.

    I'll label all the Chain Cow posts. Duh. I never remember to get organized and stuff.

  16. I want buttery teats. I want to have a party, and serve them. I'll hold out a tray and ask, "Would you like to taste my buttery teats?"

  17. I just had to say, I LOVE Chain Cow!!! How cute! I suffer from cow-stuff addiction. I've thought about seeking therapy or medication but decided...nawww...I like cow stuff!! Can't wait to see meet Chain Cow at RT.
    ~Paige :)

  18. Paige,
    So Chain Cow has her red hat for Ellora's Cave night, her wings for the Faery Ball, but dressing her for the Vampire Ball & prom is such a problem. I've taken her EVERYWHERE, but she is SO picky. "That color makes me look pale," she complains. "That silhouette minimizes my ears." Sigh.