Not long ago, my friend Cyndi said, "I've got someone you should meet. She's sweet, pretty, doesn't take up much space, and she's on a Grand Adventure." I'm a sucker for a Grand Adventure, so I said, "Sure. She can come stay awhile."
I expected someone petite, demure, perhaps with a soft Irish brogue, since she'd come by way of Susan in Ireland. Or even a Southern drawl, picked up during her time with Crystal in Alabama.
But no--Chain Cow was sullen, dirty and pouty. She had good reason, it turns out: She had a torn rotator cuff.
How, you might ask, does a cow tear her rotator cuff? I suspect it has to do with shenanigans she got up to with a bunch of soldiers in Texas. Julie Weathers would have you believe it was all wholesome, harmless fun, full of children and balloons and what-not.
But I have my doubts.
WARNING: NEXT PHOTOS ARE NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!
Chain Cow in surgery.
Now, I'm not without pity, so I suggested Chain Cow soak in the hot tub for awhile. She took to that like a cow in a hot tub.
As soon as I turned my back, though, she got into my favorite Kentucky bourbon, Woodford Reserve. (Did you know Kentucky is the only state in the union allowed to call its whiskey "Bourbon"? It's true. Look it up!) Since I use the Woodford Reserve for medicinal purposes, however, I decided fair was fair.
But then it got ugly. She got maudlin, crying about some bull she met on Valentine's Day, and how there'd never be another one like him. Telling me she'd never felt "so free, so full of possibility" as she did under the snowy skies of Montana at Kari's place, or in the vast vistas at Carol's in Wyoming, where there were other cattle just like her, only smellier.
There was only one thing to do. I cut her off.
But it was too late. She got all loopy on me, tried to pull some Cirque du Soleil tricks. I'm worried about that rotator cuff.
Next week, she's coming to the Romantic Times Convention with me. We're going to meet some of my favorite authors and do a little pitching ourselves. I hope she doesn't embarrass me. This is a professional event full of serious writers working on perfecting our craft and focused readers wanting to connect with their favorite authors.
We'll have no time for shenanigans.